Ape-ollo 13
by Tim Tierney & Splitzy

Ten months in the making, “Ape-ollo 13” was a collaborative effort between Splitzy and Tim Tierney. This dark tale has elements of surprise, deception, and…disco.

Space…You can’t send out for pizza…

“Hey, is the Cap gonna be much longer? I’m starvin’ here!” Spydor complained, rubbing his stomach, which rumbled. From his customary perch on Gor’s massive shoulder, he added, “I mean, he’s just cooking…am I right? Just how flippin’ hard can that be?”

“Patience, Spydor,” Shao Lin counseled the feisty spider monkey. She hung inverted from the dining room ceiling by her tail, her body in the lotus position. “It is said that he who would move a mountain begins by carrying away small stones…”

Spydor frowned, a little confused by the female Chinese Golden monkey’s words of wisdom. “Oh, gee, thanks…” Spydor replied crossly. He turned his male counterparts. “Hey, just what in the monkey-lovin’ heck is she tryin’ to say here?”

“I believe that what Shao Lin is alluding to, Spydor, is—” Dr. Splitz began helpfully.

Spydor held up a hand to halt the Doctor’s expected lengthy reply. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Doc, forget I even asked…”

He decided to move on to a different subject. “Anybody know what the Cap’s cookin’?” asked Spydor of his crewmates. “I mean, he almost never makes stuff from scratch anymore…”

“I believe we all are about to discern the answer to your interrogative, Spydor,” Dr. Splitz observed, indicating the opening kitchen door. The orangutan’s demeanor changed indicating he had switched personalities.

“Hey, y’all! Soup’s on!” Splitzy crowed enthusiastically, grabbing up his spoon.

Shao Lin released the hold her tail had on the ceiling, and with an impressive acrobatic maneuver, landed noiselessly on her feet. She approached where the others sat with cat-like grace.

Captain Simian then entered the dining area through an automatic door from the galley, hefting a large metal container that looked very similar to the Orbitron. His mitt-covered hands laid the steaming concoction down on the table’s surface.

The Orbitron appeared from just behind the Captain. “Who is that, and why did he get invited to dinner? You never invited me to dinner!” the damaged, glowing, metal sphere demanded. It then grumbled crossly, wandering away, ignoring the crew.

“Gotta get that thing fixed,” commented Simian with a grimace, as he lifted the shiny lid to reveal a steaming and bubbling brown-green stew-like concoction. While the others looked on in curiosity, Spydor regarded Simian’s creation with barely concealed suspicion.

The Captain suddenly frowned and snapped his fingers. “Check, I forgot the plates,” Simian observed suddenly, turning and heading back to the kitchen. “Be right back…”

As Simian left the room, the others stared at the pot with looks varying from curious anticipation to downright suspicion. As if on cue, everyone looked over at Dr. Splitz.

Without saying a word, he drew his bananatron from its spot on his tool belt. The device elongated, its small view screen raising into position as it began to emit an electronic warble.

“Hmm, a most interesting assemblage of ingredients,” observed Dr. Splitz. He began reading the bananatron’s display aloud. “Assorted vegetable matter, norimdinum, silica polnorate, kcasserbium, malto-dextrose, riboflavin—”

“—And of course, cheese,” interjected Splitzy helpfully.

“My thoughts exactly,” the Orbitron remarked, appearing beside the orangutan as if conjured.

“Yeech! That sure don’t sound like food to me! Sounds more like some kinda monkey-lovin’ chemistry experiment!” Spydor told the others, his expression one of suspicion as well as disgust.

Dr. Splitz deactivated his bananatron, returning the device to his tool belt. He did so just in time, as Captain Simian returned with five plates, which he set out before his crew. The Captain observed the exaggerated innocent expressions on his crews’ faces with curiosity.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Dig in!” Simian said, encouraging his crew.

“Y’all don’t got to tell me twice!” responded Splitzy, grabbing his plate and ladling a heap of the steaming, brown-green matter on to it.

“It is my fervent hope that this dish proves to be low in fat, and will not adversely affect my cholesterol levels,” Dr. Splitz responded softly, eyeing the prodigious mound of food on his plate.

“Aw, hush up, Egghead, and chow down,” Splitzy commented, and then dug right in.

Gor followed Splitzy’s example, taking a sizable amount of the Captain’s ‘stew’, digging in with considerable gusto.

Shao Lin served herself a much smaller portion next. She took a spoonful off her plate, and ate it, chewing methodically. She conceded that the Captain’s meal was most satisfactory.

Which only left Spydor…

Eyeing the bubbling mass of brown-green gravy with lumpy things in it warily, Spydor spooned a small portion of…whatever-it-was…on to his plate. He gathered up a spoonful and sniffed it warily. He wrinkled his nose, closed his eyes, put the food into his mouth and chewed.

“Wah lau! What is dis stuff?” Spydor muttered softly around his food.

“Well? What do you all think?” Simian inquired eagerly of his crewmates, apparently ignoring Spydor’s comment.

“Purty good from where I sit, Cap,” Splitzy returned, pausing to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Splitzy, you could at least attempt to observe proper dining etiquette,” Dr. Splitz admonished quietly, picking up his napkin.

“A pleasant change of pace, Captain,” observed Shao Lin, after taking a more confident spoonful off her plate. “Though, I must admit that I find it a most unusual dish…”

“You can certainly say that again!” The Orbitron added irately, meaning the pot on the table that looked so much like itself. It jetted away from the surprised former monkey goddess.

Simian watched the Orbitron zip away. “Glad you all like it. See…I told you I could cook…” Simian admonished his crewmates. He then spooned his first mouthful in, and began to eat.

A short time later, Splitzy, Gor, Simian, and Shao Lin finished their meals, and cleared away their empty plates. Spydor, on the other hand, still sat at his spot at the table, having barely touched his.

Simian noticed Spydor still picking at his meal. “What’s the matter, Spydor? Don’t you like it?” Simian asked, giving his small crewmate a suspicious look. The others made their way out of the ship’s dining area.

“Huh? Uh…no, Cap! I like it! Really!” Spydor reassured Simian with a big smile. Simian eyed him warily, picking up the now empty container and taking it back to the kitchen.

Spydor looked at his plate of now cold food. “Aw, great! This is just monkey-flippin’ wonderful! What am I supposed to do now? Can’t leave it here. Can’t feed it to the dog…’cause we ain’t got one!”

“Man, what I wouldn’t give for a dog right now! A very hungry…okay, maybe not hungry enough to eat monkeys, but hungry enough for this glop. Sheesh!” Spydor complained vehemently. He looked at the food on his plate again with a determined glare. “Well, I know one thing. I ain’t eatin’ it! No way! No how!”

Spydor’s face brightened as he had an idea…a brilliant idea! “Hey! That’s it! My beamitron! What the Cap don’t know, won’t hurt him…” He quickly looked to his left, then to his right and finally at the kitchen door. “…or me,” he added in a relieved voice.

“Great. The coast is clear,” Spydor declared quietly. He raised his left arm and activated a beamitron. The dime-sized device emitted a beam of bright green light, accompanied by a rising whine. The beam surrounded his plate of food a moment, making it shimmer, and then disappeared as the beam winked out. Spydor grinned, patting this always-handy little device fondly.

“There! Easy as banana cream pie. Now I –” Spydor began but was interrupted by the blare of an alarm that sounded throughout the entire ship. He hurried towards the bridge.

“All feet to stations!” commanded the Captain over the ship’s PA system.

Spydor vaulted up into his seat. He adjusted his console, slipped on his headset, and activated his monitor.

“Captain, I have detected an unidentified vessel rapidly approaching our current position,” reported Shao Lin, who then looked up from her console displays over to Simian. “It is on an intercept course.”

The Captain frowned, narrowing his eyes. He looked back to Dr. Splitz. “How’d we miss that, Doc?”

Doctor Splitz’s fingers rapidly entered data into his system. “Your pardon, Captain. Apparently, the vessel was masked by the mass of the planet Arutnev. Our sensors should clear momentarily—”

Dr. Splitz’s eyes widened in surprise as he viewed the sensor data appearing on his displays. “Heavens! Sensors indicate that the approaching vessel’s configuration is consistent with that of the Psy-fighter class, Captain!”

“Check, it’s a Rhesus thing,” Simian replied grimly, his eyes narrowing. He thumbed a button on his command seat, and an alarm began to blare. “Heads up, crew! Shao Lin, raise shields!” The Captain looked over his shoulder at Dr. Splitz.

“Doc, I need the coordinates for that ship ASAP!”

Dr. Splitz responded, “At once, Captain! The approximate coordinates are—” The orangutan stopped, frowning at his displays. He looked back at the Captain with dismay. “Gads! A dire development, Captain! Rhesus 2 has just launched a Boron-Uranium Resonance Projectile from his ship—”

“Rhesus has got himself a BURP Gun? Hoo-whee, Cap, we’re in a whole heap a trouble!” Splitzy interrupted, translating the Doctor’s last statement.

Dr. Splitzy frowned in irritation at being interrupted. He decided to continue on, nevertheless. “The projectile, Captain, seems to be specifically targeted at—”

“—our cotton-pickin’ engines!” Splitzy completed in a worried voice.

“Splitzy, I am perfectly capable of—” Dr. Splitz rumbled in frustration.

“Yo, Cap, we gotta get our monkey butts outta the way now!” Spydor demanded, interrupting the doctor’s reply, “Or we’re gonna be served engines flambé!”

“Check, time to move it or lose it,” responded the Captain. “Gor, execute evasive maneuver Avocado-Yellow-Tango-5!”

“Is that the one where I go backwards, then turn right, and then spin halfway around?” Gor asked, his hands describing his concept of the maneuver.

“No, Gor,” Shao Lin responded patiently from her elevated station, looking down to where the big gorilla sat. “That would be Avocado-Yellow-Tango-15.”

Spydor interjected, excited. “Gor, my man, you gotta go backwards, spin halfway around, and then turn left.”

“No…then he turns right,” Simian corrected his crewmate, still eyeing Rhesus 2’s approaching ship.

“I thought that was Avocado-Blue-Tango-5,” said Spydor, feeling a bit confused.

“It’s Yellow,” Simian replied adamantly, clenching his teeth.

“What’s yellow, Captain?” Gor questioned, scratching his head in confusion. Captain Simian put a hand over his eyes in exasperation.

“The Captain is correct, Spydor. That particular maneuver concludes with a turn to the right,” Dr. Splitz added helpfully.

“Nuh-uh, Egghead! Gor’s supposed to hang a big ol’ turn to left!” Splitzy argued, indicating the turn with a swoop of his left arm.

“Right turn, monkey-wrench!”

“Left turn!”

“Right turn!”

The Orbitron spoke up. “There is a season, turn, turn, turn…”

“Gor! You gotta move us now, ya big mook!” Spydor exclaimed with a shriek, watching his display with a look of fear on his face.

“Here goes…” Gor replied hesitantly.

Gor chose to apply full reverse thrust, just as Rhesus 2’s projectile had closed on the ship. Simian and the others yelled in surprise as the Primate Avenger accelerated rapidly in reverse.

There was a slight bump as the projectile pierced the Primate Avenger’s shields with ease. A resounding WHANG reverberated on the bridge, and the ship shuddered from the impact of the projectile. Tendrils of crackling blue-white energy surged about the bulkheads on the bridge and into several electrical boxes, which erupted in sparks, just before everything went black…

Well, everything except the Orbitron…

“Drat!” Rhesus complained in his Psy-Fighter, slamming his fist down in anger. “Their engines are still working! That was certainly a waste of firepower.” He eyed his quarry with determination. “Fortunately, I’m of a mind to correct that situation!”

He commanded, “Fire 2.”

Nothing happened.

“I said…Fire 2!” Rhesus said distinctly into his mouthpiece. His photoreceptors glowed red with irritation.

Still no response.

“This is not what I had in mind. No, not at all.” He quickly switched his brain with one of the spares lying about the bridge. As the new brain settled into his cranial cavity, he hurried towards the rear of the ship to inspect the weapon.

“Report! What happened?” the Captain shouted in alarm, startled by the abrupt shift to blackness. He clung tightly to the arms of his command seat as his ship sped along in reverse.

“Uh-oh. This don’t look good, bubba,” Splitzy called out hesitantly, just a voice in the darkness of the bridge.

“Damage report!” Simian commanded loudly, still tightly gripping his seat’s armrests.

“Our shields have failed, Captain. Primary systems are not responding,” Shao Lin reported over the din, a trace of anxiety in her voice. She then rotated her seat to face astern, in order to secure herself in her seat. The g-forces pressed her firmly into her seat cushions.

“Were I to hazard a guess, Captain, it appears that our principal power generator has somehow been taken off-line,” Dr. Splitz shouted quickly, hanging on to his console with both hands.

“Check,” Simian responded, grunting under the strain of remaining in his seat. He rotated his seat to face the Doctor. “So, then we—”

“Never mind that, Cap! Somebody find the monkey-lovin’ brakes, for cryin’ out loud!” Spydor shouted, hanging on to his headset by his tail as the ship continued its rapid acceleration in reverse.

Gor searched for his manual controls under his console. “I found them, Spydor!” he shouted in triumph. He pushed what he thought was the appropriate control down to the floor. The Primate Avenger turned quickly to the right, now heading stern-first directly towards Rhesus 2’s pursuing Psy-Fighter.

With startled shouts, Gor, Spydor, and Dr. Splitz were flung to the side of the bridge. Only Simian and Shao Lin remained at their seats, holding on for dear life.

“There,” Rhesus 2 announced in a gratified voice. “That wasn’t much of a problem. I just needed to put…my mind…to it.” He cackled at his pun, and then chose to look up through a view port of his Psy-Fighter at the returning Primate Avenger.

“Welly, welly, well, well. They seem eager for more. I can certainly provide that!” Rhesus 2 observed, wringing his hands in anticipation. “Fire 2.”

Again, nothing happened.

The Primate Avenger charged along in reverse, heading straight for Rhesus 2’s Psy-Fighter.

“Fire 2!”

Still, the BURP Gun did not fire.

“Not again! This just isn’t fair!”

The bulk of the Primate Avenger loomed larger and larger in his viewport, as it drew nearer and nearer.

“What are they doing? Where are they going? Aren’t they watching where they’re going?” Rhesus 2 asked aloud. His photoreceptors widened in fear, as the Primate Avenger began to fill the viewport. “NO! FIRE 2!”

After the Boron-Uranium Resonance Projectile gun failed to fire for the third time, Rhesus 2 hurried for his bridge. When he was about halfway there, the rear of the Primate Avenger crashed into Rhesus 2’s ship, badly denting the rear cabin and causing the BURP gun to self-destruct in a most spectacular fashion.

The Psy-Fighter spun crazily into space. Hanging on tightly, Rhesus 2 looked back at where his BURP gun used to be with dismay.

“This is all your fault!” he accused as he removed his brain, spitting it with a baleful glare. “Bad brain! Bad brain!”

Within the still speeding Primate Avenger, Simian snared Gor’s console with his Insta-vine, and pulled himself into Gor’s seat. There he deftly disengaged the reverse thrusters, kicked in the main thrusters for a time, and reduced their speed to a manageable level.

Spydor, Gor, and Splitzy floated free to come to a halt in mid-air.

“Thanks, Cap,” Splitzy said gratefully. “I was startin’ to feel like a possum in a pressure cooker…”

“Yo, Cap! I got two words for you!” Spydor remarked heatedly.

“This is no time to discuss seat belts, Spydor,” the Captain replied in irritation. He propelled himself from Gor’s seat back to his elevated command chair.

“No! That’s not it!” Spydor yelled indignantly, floating lazily in mid-air. “Backup gravity!”

“All right, crew,” Simian stated, gritting his teeth and ignoring Spydor’s comment. He gave the spider monkey an icy glare. “Listen up. We need a way to stop Rhesus, and we need to do it without power.”

Dr. Splitz, who had drifted to a nearby viewport, peered out, and reported, “Rhesus 2 may no longer pose a threat, Captain. It appears he is no longer in our immediate vicinity.”

“Oh,” the Captain replied in surprise. “Well, that’s convenient. All right then, let’s make a plan to get our power back—Ow!” Simian announced. He had unknowingly floated up to the ceiling and hit his head.

“As I was saying, we need a plan to restore power. Dr. Splitz, where are you?” Simian continued as he rubbed his head.

“I can be found in the vicinity of the engineer’s console, Captain,” Dr. Splitz exclaimed loudly.

Simian shot himself over to Splitzy and Dr. Splitz’s post. “So, what happened, Doc? I thought our generator was indestructible…”

“You are correct, Captain,” Dr. Splitz agreed, then pointed out, “however, it appears that Rhesus 2’s attack has somehow temporarily disabled its operation.” He then plugged his bananatron into a port on his console.

“Check, we’re in the dark,” the Captain replied, now floating upside-down above Splitzy’s console. “What about our backup generator?”

“She’s gone too, bubba,” Splitzy answered glumly. “‘Bout as useful as gearing on a ‘gator…”

“Wonderful…” Simian complained. “So what are we supposed to do now?”

The glowing Orbitron glided by, singing, “I love the nightlife, I’ve got to boogie…”

Simian glanced at the melodic Orbitron. “Strangely…soothing,” he remarked dreamily.

“If I may have your attention, Captain…” Dr. Splitz remarked forcefully.

“Huh? What is it, Doc?” Simian replied, shaking his head to clear his mind.

“According to my instruments, Captain, all primary systems are currently off-line, with the exception of our naturally fueled thrusters and fluxitron,” Dr. Splitz reported. “My concern would relate to the ambient atmospheric conditions. They will begin to steadily decline without power, as the carbon dioxide scrubbers and oxygen generators have ceased functioning. Even taking into account the limited amount of oxygen produced by our on-board vegetation, the levels of carbon dioxide from our collective respiration will still climb precipitously.”

Dr. Splitz paused, reviewing more data on his bananatron. “Within seventy minutes time, if ship’s power cannot be restored, the levels of carbon dioxide will rise to levels such that we will all begin suffering from acute hypoxia, soon to followed by, regretfully, imminent death by asphyxiation…”

“Yo, Doc, you mean to tell me that in a little over an hour, there’s a good chance that we’ll…uh, be…ah, all checkin’ out?” Spydor asked, the fear of the prospect of his inclement demise readily apparent on his face. “Hey, how’s about using the Atmatron? That should give us some air, right?”

“A fascinating proposal, Spydor,” Dr. Splitz replied. He then cleared his throat in embarrassment. “However, without any power, we would be unable to even activate the Atmatron, let alone operate it…”

“Check, the clock’s ticking, team,” Simian responded grimly. “Okay, Doc, how do we go about re-enabling the power generator?”

Before Dr. Splitz could answer, Splitzy called out, “Well, Cap, the first thing we gotta do is get us some cotton-pickin’ light!” He opened a cabinet under his console and groped in it for the ship’s flashlight set. “Huh? Hey, where did the diggity-dang flashlights get to?”

“Captain,” Dr. Splitz added, with a weary sigh, “it appears that our secondary illumination devices are currently…well, unavailable.”

“But I found them drill bits I lost last year,” Splitzy added, holding said drill bits aloft in triumph.

“Yeah, Splitzy,” groused the Captain. “That’s real nice, but—”

“Yo, Cap! I think I mighta stashed them flashlights in my closet,” said Spydor, trying to snap his fingers. Unfortunately, as the only member of the crew with no opposable thumb, his effort proved unsuccessful. He frowned in irritation. “Gimme a sec, I’ll go get ‘em.”

“Take the Orbitron with you,” commanded Simian. “It’s the only thing we have to see with right now.”

“Do I have to, Cap?” Spydor whined, then sighed. “Okay, c’mere, you intergalactic bowling ball mook, and make yourself useful for once.”

The Orbitron followed Spydor into the portal, leaving the bridge. “If I had feelings, I would be very hurt, disgraced, irritated, annoyed…”

Rhesus 2 finally landed his damaged Psy-Fighter in the cargo bay of his space station. The main ramp lowered and Rhesus 2 leaped out, complaining to himself, “Sure, you put all your thought into one of the greatest advancements in technology, and a bunch of stupid primates just have to go and ruin it for you…”

“Ganglia!” Three of Rhesus 2’s robots entered the room. “Repair the rear cabin. I need to put my brain to work…again.”

“What’s taking Spydor so long to find the flashlights, Captain?” Gor questioned.

“Hmm…I don’t know,” Simian replied. “We’d better go find out…”

The crew made their way down the darkened corridors to Spydor’s room, which was illuminated with the dim blue glow of the Orbitron.

“Hoo-whee!” Splitzy remarked as he entered Spydor’s cabin. “This place’s messier than a twister through a trailer park!”

“This is no time for any of your Mayberry metaphors, Splitzy,” chided Dr. Splitz.

Spydor’s closet, which was twice as big as his room, had a seemingly endless supply of mostly useless items that he had picked up in his space travels. However, with no gravity, everything was floating around haphazardly.

“…sad, devastated, offended, mad…” droned the Orbitron, as it continued illuminating the corner that Spydor was searching in. Spydor glared angrily at the recalcitrant machine, but continued with his search.

Surveying the chaos of Spydor’s room, Shao Lin proclaimed, “Jo-Peer reminds us, Spydor, that an organized habitat is the result of a healthy mind.”

“Well, let me tell ya, my not-so-healthy monkey mind ain’t gettin’ any better trying to find them monkey-lovin’ flashlights!” Spydor called out irritably, still pawing through the floating clusters of junk in his closet.

“All right, crew,” the Captain directed. “We aren’t getting anywhere fast this way. Let’s help him out.”

“An excellent suggestion, Captain,” Shao Lin added. “It is said that many feet make work light.”

The Captain grinned, turning towards Shao Lin. “Hey, that’s pretty good, Goddess,” he commented. To the others, he added, “You heard the lady… Let’s find those missing flashlights ASAP.” The crew began to search through the assorted items floating about.

“Is this one, Spydor?” Gor asked, holding up a small metal tube in his large hand. The others turned toward the gentle gorilla.

“Hey, no! Gor, be careful with that!” Spydor shouted anxiously, drifting over towards Gor. “That’s my Schwartzonian Ion Rader. I’m gonna trade it in the next time we go to Vasquez-6.”

“That thing lights up, right?” Simian questioned, eyeing the device in Gor’s hand speculatively.

Spydor hesitated. “Well, yeah, Cap, but—”

“Then we use it, mister. Dr. Splitz, take the Rader and inspect the damage to the generator. We’ll keep looking for the real flashlights.”

“Certainly, Captain. Come along, Splitzy,” Dr. Splitz responded, taking the Rader from Gor. He activated the device, which produced rippling waves of purple light.

“Say, that’s real purty,” Splitzy observed.

Dr. Splitz sighed.

The orangutan left the room, holding the Rader in front of him to light his way.

The Captain floated at the back of the closet, rummaging about. He soon found a hollow bronze pyramid-shaped object with intricate designs carved about its edges.

“Hey, Spydor! This thing make any light?” he asked Spydor, indicating the pyramidal object he now held in his hands.

“I dunno,” answered Spydor in a distracted voice, still digging through another corner.

“Captain,” Shao Lin observed, after floating over to the Captain, “if I am not mistaken, that object resembles the ancient lamps of the Pam-Den Temples.”

“Check, I’d say we got ourselves a winner here,” the Captain responded in satisfaction. “Now all we got to do is light this sucker…”

He examined the small wick at the lamp’s center, then drew his stunner, pausing to adjust its settings slightly.

“Captain, are you certain that is wise?” Shao Lin cautioned the impulsive Simian.

“I’m pretty sure I can handle lighting a lamp, Goddess,” Simian assured her, his voice full of sarcasm.

“It is said, Captain, that the wise leader learns by the mistakes of others,” Shao Lin professed, giving Simian a hard look, “while the foolish one learns only by his own…”

Simian rolled his eyes in exasperation, shaking his head.

He aimed his stunner carefully, and fired it at the center of the lamp. The blue-white stun beam struck the lamp dead center with a clang. That resulted in the lamp generating a small explosion, throwing off a brilliant shower of sparks. The force of the blast threw the Captain, shouting, backwards into the wall, which he hit with a muffled thud.

At the sound of stunner fire, and then the explosion from the lamp, Spydor’s eyes widened in surprise and anger. “Hey, just what in the monkey-lovin’ heck are you doin’? I live here, re-mem-ber!” Spydor objected hotly.

Shao Lin drifted forwards and caught the drifting, smoking, yet still unlit, lamp. Glancing at it quickly, she gently tossed it out towards the center of the room. She drew and fired her stunner in one swift motion, its beam striking the lamp with pinpoint accuracy. Shao Lin then calmly reached out to the now slowly spinning lamp with her remarkable tail, and drew it back to her. To the Captain’s surprise, the lamp was now lit, its golden glow illuminating Shao Lin’s face.

“I believe this is result you were hoping for, Captain,” she said, grinning slightly. She held the glowing lamp out to the now contrite Captain.

“Yeah…thanks,” Simian replied, a little embarrassed. He recovered quickly. “Okay, crew, listen up! Here’s the plan. Shao Lin and I will take this lamp and go check on how the Doc and Splitzy are doing. Spydor, Gor, keep looking for those blasted flashlights…”

The Orbitron continued to drone on, “…unwanted, mistreated, aggravated…”

“Hey, Cap! How about leaving the lamp, and taking our talking thesaurus here instead?” Spydor called out hopefully, indicating the floating Orbitron with a toe.

“Oh, I’m done,” the Orbitron assured the irritated spider monkey.

Spydor nodded gratefully. “Good, all right then. Gor,” Spydor requested, “how’s about looking through those—”

“On the disco rou-und, yeah…” the Orbitron began anew.

Splitzy shone the Rader at the singed ceiling of the power room. “Hoo-whee! Sure glad we weren’t here awhile back…hey, this here doo-hickey makes real nice shadow puppets.” Splitzy wiggled his fingers before the light of the Rader.

“Would you kindly focus your attention on the damaged power generator, Splitzy?” Dr. Splitz asked, exasperated.

“Aw, yer no fun,” Splitzy complained. He then noticed a golden glow approaching the doorway. “Hey, Doc, someone’s a-comin’!”

The orangutan looked up as the Captain and Shao Lin entered the room, lighting their way with the ancient lamp.

“Can the generator be repaired in time, Splitzy?” Shao Lin inquired politely, yet urgently.

“Yeah, how’s it look, Doc?” Simian added from just behind Shao Lin, the flickering lamp glowing brightly in his hand.

“Fortunately, Captain, it appears that few repairs to the generator will be necessary,” Dr. Splitz responded confidently. “Our true problem lies in restarting the power generator…”

“And we would do that…how?” Simian asked, curious in spite of himself.

“Hmm, a most pressing problem, Captain. Most pressing, indeed. As far as I can discern, Splitzy and I will have to somehow construct an apparatus utilizing our on-board technology that will produce the necessary reaction to re-enable our power generator,” Dr. Splitz responded after a moment’s pause.

“Come again?” Simian requested, scratching his head in confusion.

“That’s just the Egghead’s way a-sayin’ we gotta jump-start that puppy!” Splitzy translated.

“All right!” Simian responded. “That’s great! So let’s get cracking—”

Dr. Splitz interrupted, “Your pardon, Captain. Despite someone’s simplification of the situation, this is not, by any means, a simple task…”

The orangutan straightened himself up, and lifted up his right hand, ready to lecture.

“To produce the fusion reaction needed to restart the generator, we will require a quantity of two very particular chemical elements: tunduhborium and kcasserbium,” Dr. Splitz began, lifting a finger after naming each element.

“The first chemical, tunduhborium, is a dense, explosive element that, in combination with the far more stable element, kcasserbium, will generate a fusion reaction, which we will then harness to emit a highly charged particle stream. It is this particle stream that we will utilize to reactivate the ship’s power generator.”

Shao Lin’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Kcasserbium?” she muttered aloud softly, leaning towards Dr. Splitz. “Doctor, was that not…“ She closed her mouth, wisely choosing not to continue her observation in front of the Captain.

“Hmm…all right, I think I’ve got it now. I’ll take it that you’ve got some of this…k-cas-serb-ium…and…tun-duh-bor-ium…on board. Right?” the Captain asked hopefully, struggling with the technical names of the chemicals. He eyed Dr. Splitz with a tentative glance.

The orangutan engineer paused a moment, reflecting. He rubbed a knuckle under his chin. “Hmm, since the Primate Avenger does not carry dangerous or explosive elements, we, in all likelihood, have no tunduhborium aboard ship.”

“However, if memory serves, Captain, I do believe I have a quantity of kcasserbium in my possession,” Dr. Splitz replied. “So, if you two will both excuse me, I will retrieve my supply forth with.”

Taking his leave, the orangutan bounced his way down the hallway to his room. When he got there, he shone the Rader into it. Dr. Splitz’s racks of chemicals, scientific instruments, and computer disks were neatly organized and secured in one half of the room. The other half of the room, which contained Splitzy’s many tools, was a morass of floating objects. Apparently, Splitzy had left them lying about his side of the room.

Dr. Splitz sighed. “Could you remember to neatly organize your instruments so that this…disaster…does not reoccur, Splitzy?”

“Well, excuse me, Mr. Picky,” Splitzy replied testily. “I suppose ya want me to alphabetize ‘em too?”

“That would be most helpful,” said Dr. Splitz gratefully.

“I was being scarstatic,” groaned Splitzy.

“Sarcastic,” Dr. Splitz corrected.

“Whatever,” said Splitzy irritably. “Can’t we get on with fixing that thing-a-ma-jig?”

“Yes, certainly,” replied Dr. Splitz. He floated over to his chemical shelves. “Let me see now…149…” He fingered through the jars and found that number 149 was missing.

“Splitzy, to where have you relocated my vial of kcasserbium?” Dr. Splitz accused in a suspicious tone of voice.

“I didn’t do nothing with it, Doc! Honest!” Splitzy responded.

Dr. Splitz thought for a moment. “Most peculiar… I do seem to remember…” He then took out his bananatron and read its display, recalling the list of ingredients he had recorded earlier. “…silica polnorate…kcasserbium. Hmm…most interesting. Come along, Splitzy.”

“Right with ya, Doc.”

Dr. Splitz, having returned to the generator room, found the Captain kneeling on top of the generator cabinet, fiddling with the controls there.

“Captain, I do not think it wise to interfere with Splitzy’s repairs,” Shao Lin pointed out to the Captain.

“Oh, is that a fact? Well, I’ll have you know, I’m a pretty fair hand at fixing things, Goddess,” Simian retorted, not noticing Dr. Splitz was present. He adjusted yet another dial and plugged in a loose wire atop the generator. The connection emitted a bright, blue-white spark, singeing the corner of Simian’s jacket.

Shao Lin smiled smugly at Simian. “You were saying, Captain?”

The Captain grimaced, glaring down at the smug Shao Lin, then noticed Dr. Splitz looking up at him. He climbed down quickly.

Captain Simian started to explain, “It was…you see, um, and that’s when I, well…never mind… Okay, Doc, how much k…kas…of that chemical did you have? Enough, I hope?”

“It appears that my supply of kcasserbium is missing, Captain,” Dr. Splitz returned, eyeing the Captain with suspicion.

“Well, that’s just great! Where could it have gone to?” Simian complained, disappointed.

“I was about ask you the very same thing,” Dr. Splitz responded pointedly.

“Me? And just how am I supposed to know?” exclaimed Simian in surprise.

“It appears that the meal you prepared, Captain, included kcasserbium as one of its many…diverse…ingredients,” Dr. Splitz observed, giving the Captain a meaningful look.

“Captain, the Doctor is correct,” Shao Lin added, supporting Dr. Splitz’s statement.

“Well, I sure wouldn’t have—” Simian protested, startled by both Shao Lin’s and the Doc’s claims. He paused. “Say, Doc, any chance you can tell me what this caserturbium stuff smells like?”

“K-cass-er-bi-um, Captain,” Dr. Splitz pronounced, then stroked his chin fur while thinking. “I believe its aroma would be highly reminiscent of…say…cayenne pepper.”

Simian reached in his jacket pocket, took out an empty jar, and read its label: 149. “This stuff?”

“Yes, Captain,” Dr. Splitz answered wistfully, taking the vial from the Captain. “I believe that was my vial of kcasserbium…”

“Well, that’s sure not what Spydor told me it was,” the Captain complained, looking sadly at the empty vial.

“Excuse me, Captain, but did you say that you acquired that particular vial from Spydor?” Dr. Splitz asked, clearly surprised by this turn of events.

“Well…yeah,” said Simian hesitantly, “he seemed to think I could use it in the… That is my… Hey, what did I call lunch again?”

“You did not,” remarked Shao Lin matter-of-factly.

Simian frowned at her reply. “Okay…anyway, he sure didn’t tell me that it was some sort of explosive element, or I would have—”

“I do not know how many times I have reminded that…that…” Dr. Splitz interrupted hotly, sputtering.

“…thief, burglar, sneak…” Splitzy mumbled.

“Desist immediately, Splitzy! It is irritating enough that the Orbitron is doing that!” Dr. Splitz exclaimed, clearly annoyed.

“Are you certain there is no other source of kcasserbium aboard ship, Doctor?” Shao Lin asked.

“Not that I am aware of,” Dr. Splitz replied, calming himself.

He activated his bananatron and held it outwards. It beeped a moment later. “Although, on the other hand,” he continued, not missing a beat, “it now appears that there is a quantity of that particular element aboard ship. Readings seem to indicate the kcasserbium can be found in…hmm…Spydor’s closet.”

“All right, I have no idea why he’s got it in the first place, but we’d better go get what’s left,” Simian responded, motioning Shao Lin to follow. “Doc, how about I take the bananatron while you and Splitzy fix the generator?”

“Oh, that is entirely unnecessary, Captain,” Dr. Splitz responded, pointing his bananatron at the device. “You have already repaired it.”

Simian turned to Shao Lin with a smug look of his own. “See? Nothing to it, Goddess. I must be a real fast learner…”

Shao Lin was not impressed. “It is said, Captain, that he who teaches himself has a fool for a teacher…”

Simian cast a disapproving glare at the unflappable Chinese Golden monkey.

The three returned to Spydor’s cabin. Spydor was now searching through the opposite side of the room, as Gor was trying to untangle Spydor’s yo-yo string.

“Hello, Captain, Shao Lin, Splitzy,” Gor said as he toyed with the tangled yo-yo string.

The Captain nodded an acknowledgment to Gor, then quickly made his way over to Spydor.

“Spydor, you wouldn’t happen to know where the Doc’s kaycallarbium is?” Simian demanded suspiciously.

“Kcasserbium, Captain,” Dr. Splitz corrected…again.

“Yeah, what the Doc said…”

“Nope, I don’t got any stuff like that,” Spydor replied hesitantly, denying Simian’s implied accusation. “What is it, anyway?”

“Well, it’s a chemical that, uh, was accidentally…um, added to the food this morning. The Doc needs it to restart the power generator,” the Captain explained, giving Spydor a suspicious look.

The Orbitron darted between them. “Warning! Prolonged exposure to kcasserbium can cause headaches, nausea, short-term memory loss, and…uh, um…I forget.” It then floated away, as the crew looked on with surprise.

Dr. Splitz approached with the now-warbling bananatron. “Despite Spydor’s assertions to the contrary, Captain, I am detecting a high concentration of kcasserbium within one of his beamitrons.”

Spydor looked startled, and his surprise became even greater as Simian grabbed him by his left arm and held him up at arm’s reach.

The Captain reached out and activated Spydor’s first beamitron. A green beam shot out, accompanied by a high-pitched whine, and a book appeared. The Captain took the book and looked at its title: How to Become Rich in Just Six Weeks, by Lorraine Marlow. Discarding the book with a toss, Simian looked over at Dr. Splitz questioningly.

“Try the second one,” Splitzy suggested.

Simian activated the second beamitron and Spydor’s plateful of the Captain’s ‘stew’ appeared. Scowling at Spydor, he then took the dish and handed it to Dr. Splitz.

“How about it, Doc? Will this work?” he asked, glaring at Spydor menacingly. Spydor gulped nervously, loosening his collar with a finger.

“Sure will,” said Splitzy confidently.

“Oh, and just how were you able to discern that, monkey-wrench?” replied Dr. Splitz sarcastically. He looked at his bananatron, then back at the dish.

“Sure will,” Dr. Splitz said, clearly surprised. He then paused. “That is…this should prove most effective, Captain.”

“Told ya,” Splitzy added smugly.

Gor, who now had the yo-yo string tangled around his feet, recognized a blue case floating by. He grabbed the case, opened it, and looked inside.

“Captain,” he called out. “Are these the flashlights?”

Simian looked over, releasing Spydor’s arm. “Check, one mystery solved. Good work, mister.” The Captain smiled in appreciation, retrieving the case of flashlights from Gor.

“Finally, something’s going right. We got our flashlights. Got our…first fancy chemical. So now all we need is that other one, the…um…uh…”

“Tunduhborium, Captain?” suggested Shao Lin helpfully, noticing the Captain’s struggle with the name of the chemical.

“Yeah, that’s it,” he replied. He then mumbled to himself, “Why can’t chemicals have easy names, anyway, like Gryxlpk or something?”

Dr. Splitz referred back to his bananatron. “I do have some good news to report, Captain. It now appears that we may indeed be able to obtain the tunduhborium we require in the very near future.”

“I have detected a large quantity of that particular element 48,185 kilometers away.” He frowned, re-checked his displays and corrected himself. “No, make that 48,023 kilometers away…”

The Orbitron dashed by again. “Warning! Prolonged exposure to tunduhborium can cause drowsiness, fatigue, repetitive behavior, repetitive behavior, repetitive behavior…” It left the room, leaving the crew to shake their heads.

“The source of tunduhborium is now within 47,617 kilometers and closing rapidly,” Dr. Splitz announced, looking towards the Captain. “At this rate of closure, it should be in visual range within twenty minutes, Captain.”

“Check. Thanks, Doc,” the Captain observed in satisfaction. He pointed at the Doc’s bananatron. “Any chance that thing can tell us what the source of this too-door-banny-um stuff is?”

“A moment, Captain,” Dr. Splitz replied, fiddling with the controls of the warbling bananatron. “Yes. There, that should do quite nicely…”

Simian and Shao Lin looked over Dr. Splitz’ shoulder as the bananatron’s display wavered a moment, and then brought up an image that made the three of them gasp in surprise.

“Rhesus 2!” The bananatron’s viewscreen displayed a schematic of Rhesus 2’s Psy-Fighter.

“Oh, hey, this is beautiful!” ranted Spydor, resting his hands on his hips, even as he floated upside down. “You mean to tell me that the only source of that stuff in the whole monkey-flippin’ universe is on that no-good, flea-bitten, thimble-headed mook’s ship?!”

“Fifteen minutes to contact, Captain,” Dr. Splitz interjected quietly.

“So, Doc, is this thing gonna work?” The Captain asked, not a little worried, but becoming impatient. Only thirty-five minutes remained before their oxygen supply ran out.

“If Splitzy has followed the schematics I prepared for this device correctly, it should perform adequately,” Dr. Splitz responded. He then looked back at the device. He drifted around the machine. “No, Splitzy, there should be only two polar wires running through the relay board, not three.”

Splitzy pointed the flashlight back at the diagram and squinted. “Looks like three to me, Doc…”

“Only two wires may run in any one direction on a GJB-528 relay board,” argued Dr. Splitz confidently.

“Shoot! So how come ya drew in three then?” Splitzy countered.

“I must insist that there are only two indicated on this schematic, Splitzy,” replied Dr. Splitz adamantly.

“Hey, Cap! Can I see ya a minute?” Splitzy called out as released his hold from the top of the contraption, still holding the Doctor’s schematic. “Does it look like there’s three wires in this here scribblin’, or just two?”

Simian floated over beside the orangutan and carefully studied the diagram. The schematic was far beyond his knowledge…heck, he was even having trouble figuring out which lines represented wires. But he wasn’t ready to admit to that just yet.

“Well,” he began, then paused, tracing a line on the diagram. “If I’m reading this schematic right, it seems that these wires here pass through the roulette board there, so…hmm…”

Shao Lin approached, laying a hand on the Captain’s shoulder. She glanced at the schematic the Captain held. “There are only two wires, Splitzy.”

The Captain looked over at Shao Lin, somewhat startled. “Mind letting me know how you came to that conclusion…Goddess?”

“It is quite simple, Captain. The relay board cannot have more than two wires passing through it, since doing so would adversely affect the voltage of the secondary capacitors,” responded Shao Lin, nonplused.

Simian grumbled. “Lucky guess…”

“I still say it looks like three,” insisted Splitzy as he floated back up and grabbed hold of the device with his feet.

The orangutan used his wrench to make the last set of adjustments to the tall, spindly-looking contraption. The device was about the Captain’s height, and as big around as the Orbitron. Two sockets protruded from just above its center, and above that was a crude control panel of some kind. It sat bolted to the deck about two feet away from Dr. Splitz and Splitzy’s console, a few wires leading from it down the corridor to the power generator.

Captain Simian sighed wearily. He gave the orangutan a frustrated look. “We got only five minutes until Rhesus shows up. All I want to know is…will it work?”

“Confidence is high, Captain,” Dr. Splitz replied a little tentatively. “Rest assured that Splitzy and I will do everything possible to ensure the restart of our generator. However—”

“Yeah. Yeah. I know, Doc. We need that tunduhborium,” Simian acknowledged reluctantly.

“My, my. What have we here?” Rhesus 2 inquired to no one in particular. He stared at the display of his long-range sensors. It showed the Primate Avenger slowly cruising through space.

“Well now, it appears that I may get the chance to thoroughly test my newest weapon after all,” Rhesus 2 observed with glee. He pushed a red button on the console before him, arming the device. “And, best of all, I get to test it on Captain Zippy and his band of do-gooders!”

“…So you’re positive the tunduhborium is on-board Rhesus 2’s ship?” the Captain inquired, his eyes narrowing as he looked to the Doctor.

Dr. Splitz referred to his bananatron. “There is a 96% chance of the tunduhborium I have detected being aboard the Psy-Fighter, Captain.”

“Yeah, well, I think that the 4% chance of it not being aboard that brainless mook’s ship is a good enough reason to stay right here,” Spydor interjected hopefully.

“Well, mister, we’re going ahead with the plan anyway. We gotta get that chemical off Rhesus’ ship…and soon,” Simian growled in frustration.

“Un momento, Cap. I gotta question here. What’s to stop Brain-Boy there from just blasting the ship…and us with it, I might add…into an unrecognizable cloud of monkey molecules?” Spydor interjected, undaunted by the irate Captain.

“Spydor is correct, Captain,” Shao Lin replied, stepping between the angry Captain and Spydor. “As loathe as I am to admit it, he does bring up a valid point. Our shields are down, and our power is off-line. We cannot provide much more than a token defense against such an attack.”

“Maybe so,” Simian responded grimly. “What’s worrying me right now is how I’m supposed to get that tunduhborium off of Rhesus’ ship.”

Shao Lin leaned towards the Captain, placing her slim hand on his shoulder. “It is said, Captain, that under the fragrant bait, you will find a hooked fish.”

“Yeah, real nice, Shao Lin, but I don’t see how…” replied Simian irritably. Then, he felt the glimmer of hope, and an idea began to form. He looked back at Shao Lin proudly, sketching her a jaunty salute.

“Okay, crew. Gather around. Here’s the plan…” the Captain announced as his crew formed a semi-circle before him.

Rhesus 2 watched the distance to his enemy’s ship grow ever closer. The Primate Avenger sat askew to Rhesus 2’s approach vector, and showed no lights, no signs of life.

“Well, well. Perhaps I was a bit hasty. Maybe my invention worked better than I thought. Hmm. No lights, no life-signs. How disappointing,” Rhesus told himself, concentrating on his sensors.

“Still, this may not be a total loss. At long last, I can finally harvest their remarkable brains. Good brains, nice brains…and, finally, all mine!” Rhesus 2 continued with excitement.

Captain Simian, Shao Lin, and Spydor held on to the vine-like cables suspended on the ceiling of the Primate Avenger’s darkened hangar bay. “Everybody ready?” Simian inquired.

Shao Lin looked over to the darkened silhouette of the Captain. “We are ready, Captain.”

“Spydor?”

“Uh, hey, Cap? Is it too late to go with the ‘let’s-hide-til-the-mook-goes-away’ plan?” Spydor suggested warily.

“Way too late,” Simian replied adamantly. He paused to raise his left arm and activated his pitcomm. “Dr. Splitz, Gor, status report.”

“Ready, Captain,” their voices responded over the small communications device.

“Check. Operation Restore is a GO! Space Monkeys, flip out!”

Gor and Dr. Splitz floated on the bridge from behind Dr. Splitz’s console, waiting.

“What am I waiting for again, Doctor?” asked Gor in a worried voice. The big gorilla sat at his station, but rotated his chair about to face towards the Doctor.

“It is really quite simple, Gor. You will follow the maneuver directives supplied by the Captain after Spydor has obtained the tunduhborium we require to restore ship’s power,” replied Dr. Splitz patiently.

Gor scratched his head. “Huh?”

“Just do what the Cap says when we get the power back on,” translated Splitzy. “Okay?”

“All right, I can do that,” Gor responded confidently.

Dr. Splitz continued his recitation. “The Captain’s plan, Gor, is to allow Rhesus 2 to board the ship. Then, when he attempts to gain entry, which he will most certainly do, the Captain and Shao Lin will prompt Spydor to shut the outside door, securing Rhesus 2 in the lower decks, and out of the main hangar bay.”

“While the Cap and Shao Lin keep ol’ Rhesus busy, Spydor’ll sneak aboard his ship, scrounge up some of that funny-sounding chemical the Doc needs, and then skedaddle,” Splitzy added, taking up where the Doctor left off.

Dr. Splitz went on. “Spydor will then convey the tunduhborium via the auxiliary access tube, and enter the bridge through this pressure hatch,” Dr. Splitz continued, pointing at the indicated hatch.

“Then, as soon as Spydor gets his little monkey butt on the bridge, I’ll take that tun-do-ranium stuff and put it in this here thing-a-ma-jig,” Splitzy proclaimed, indicating the jury-rigged contraption before him. “The Doc’ll fire this puppy up, jump start the generators, and shazam! We’ll have some juice, and hoo-whee, we’re back in business!” Splitzy finished.

Gor looked like a spectator at a tennis match, trying to keep track of which personality of the orangutan was speaking to him.

“Okay,” responded Gor after a moment, clearly thinking over what he had just heard. “But how will that machine work without any power?”

Dr. Splitz responded by shining his flashlight over at the outlet that the converter was plugged into. “Hmm,” he contemplated, frowning slightly. “It appears that Gor has pointed out a serious design flaw. I’m afraid some adjustments will be necessary, Splitzy.”

“All right. But, just remember, I ain’t the one that designed it…” complained Splitzy.

“Report! Anybody see anything?” asked Simian over his pitcomm, searching the darkness vigilantly. Man, was it dark!

“No sign of Rhesus 2, Captain,” replied Shao Lin from her vantage point. She saw no sign of the Psy-Fighter out her portal.

“Nobody here but us monkeys, Cap,” responded Spydor over the Captain’s pitcomm, not a little worried.

Captain Simian and Shao Lin were stationed at observation windows at opposite ends of the lower deck. It was very evident that the Captain had not anticipated just how hard it would be to see without any lights.

Spydor was waiting on the other side of the door between the hangar bay and the lower deck among the pipes in the ceiling. The Orbitron approached him through the back tunnel, singing “I Love the Nightlife.”

“Hey, you crazy, ball bearing mook, can the monkey-flippin’ disco choir, huh?” asked an irritated Spydor. “This plan ain’t gonna work if you let Rhesus know I’m here…”

“Ball bearing? Indeed! I bear no resemblance whatsoever to such a simple sphere!” the Orbitron growled in indignation, flickering angrily.

“And, while you’re at it, how about cutting the light show, too,” added Spydor caustically, ignoring the Orbitron’s ire.

“Hmmph! I certainly don’t have to put up with this,” the Orbitron remarked back. “Primates…” it grumbled, floating back down the tunnel.

After the Orbitron’s reply, Spydor grimaced, and noticed Rhesus’s Psy-Fighter enter the hangar bay. The purple, sinister starship came to a hover, and finally settled on the hangar deck with a thunk.

“Yo, Cap! Brain Boy’s here,” Spydor whispered over his pitcomm.

“Roger that, Spydor,” replied the Captain. “Heads up, and wait for my signal…”

The main ramp of the Psy-Fighter lowered down and Rhesus 2 looked out.

“Hmm,” he observed warily. “Why would there be two open entry doors? Something is not right here, not right at all…“

“Ganglia!” Rhesus 2 called out. Three robots trundled down behind him, following him as he strode down the ramp of the Psy-Fighter.

When Rhesus stepped off the edge of the Psy-Fighter’s entrance, he flipped backwards out of the area that had gravity, and then scrambled to turn himself forward again. After becoming irritated with his inability to manage the absence of gravity, he turned back towards his three Ganglia.

“Advance!” he commanded. He then groped through the air towards the lower deck’s door, the robots following behind him.

When they reached the door, Rhesus 2 looked in and paused, while the Ganglia proceeded in. “I say, it’s quite dark in there, isn’t it?” The now-cautious cyber-monkey observed warily. He chastised himself over his oversight. “I cannot believe that with my superior brain, I didn’t think to bring a light.” He inadvertently spun sideways. “Or a rocket pack…”

The Captain stared into the gloom of the lower deck and saw three Ganglia come through the door, dimly illuminated by the light that streamed from the Psy-Fighter.

“Okay, Spydor!” he muttered into the communications device just above his left armpit. “Now!”

Spydor pulled hard on the release lever and the door slid shut quickly with a dull thud.

“Now get a move on!” ordered Simian.

Spydor kicked off the ceiling, vectoring himself to the Psy-Fighter, oblivious to the fact that Rhesus 2 was still standing on his side of the door.

Rhesus 2 looked at the door that had just closed in front of him. “Curiouser and curiouser, “ Rhesus 2 commented suspiciously. “I’m almost certain a fleshipod is still aboard ship.”

“That being the case, it is time to implement a somewhat stronger precautionary measure. Ganglia, to me!” Rhesus 2 announced. He turned and began to advance back toward the Psy-Fighter. The Orbitron then dropped down in front of Rhesus 2, startling the cybernetic monkey.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t go in there,” advised the Orbitron grimly.

“And why not?” responded Rhesus, suspicious.

“Because, at this very moment, there are five hundred fierce mountain gorillas stationed upon your ship,” claimed the Orbitron.

“Really? Five hundred gorillas? I have a hard time believing that,” said Rhesus, unconvinced.

“Would you believe one hundred mountain gorillas?”

“No.”

“Fifty agitated orangutans?”

Rhesus 2 growled, shaking his head, clearly tiring of this game.

“How about a Holo-boon with a bad temper?”

Rhesus 2 whipped his metal forked-tip tail about and whacked the Orbitron out of his way. The glowing metal orb grunted once as it clanged off Rhesus 2’s Psy-Fighter.

Inside the Psy-Fighter’s cockpit, Spydor pushed one of his beamitrons and the bananatron appeared. He took it and began to hunt for the tunduhborium aboard Rhesus 2’s ship.

“I must be outta my monkey-flippin’ mind…” groused Spydor as he began his search, his eyes flicking nervously between the bananatron and the room itself.

“Nope, cold,” Spydor announced as he walked toward the right side of the ship. He was finally getting used to the gravity on Rhesus 2’s ship. He now advanced toward the front of the ship.

“Nah, even colder…”

Spydor then glanced out the front viewport of the Psy-Fighter and shrieked. Rhesus 2 was heading in his direction. He looked frantically around the controls on the panel before him, trying to find the button to raise the main ramp.

“Great! That metal-headed mook is hot on my trail, and me with no owner’s manual! There’s gotta be somehow to close this ship up. Here goes nothing…” Spydor said as he pushed a green button on the right console.

Nothing seemed to happen.

“Aw, great!” Spydor said, a mix of fear and irritation in his voice. “Nothing went!”

Inside the lower deck of the Primate Avenger, the advancing Ganglia robots stopped moving, temporarily immobilized by Spydor’s errant button push. The Ganglia began to float in the zero gravity as their magnetic feet ceased functioning.

Spydor studied the complicated control panel once more. After a moment or two, he pushed a large red button near the last button he had pressed. The main ramp motored closed as Spydor collapsed in Rhesus 2’s command chair, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Whew! Not a flippin’ minute too soon, neither!”

To Spydor’s surprise and terror, the Psy-Fighter’s engines came on-line and the ship began to slowly back out of the hangar bay and into space.

“Hey, who’d a thought…” Spydor mused uncertainly. “One-touch-liftoff…what’ll they think of next?”

Rhesus 2 continued his approach towards his ship. He gaped in surprise as the Psy-Fighter powered up with a thunderous roar. He watched helplessly as his purple spacecraft smoothly backed out of the open hatch of the hangar bay and into space.

“Come back here, you thieving fleshipods!” Rhesus 2 snarled, suddenly furious. “Return my ship immediately!”

From her observation window, Shao Lin radioed Simian. “Captain, I believe it may be possible that Rhesus 2 is still in the hangar bay.”

“And why do you say that, Goddess?” the Captain asked.

“For one thing, Captain, Rhesus 2 has made no attempt at trying to escape,” Shao Lin responded, using her tail to emphasize her point, even though Simian was across the room from her.

“Hmm, you’ve got a point,” Simian conceded. He took out his flashlight and shined it on the deck below. All that was there were three inactive Ganglia floating in the air.

At that moment, Spydor’s voice, sounding somewhat tinny, came over the Captain’s pitcomm. “Yo, Cap! I got a problem here…”

“What’s that, Spydor?” Simian replied, concerned.

“I’ve hijacked Rhesus’ ship, and I have no monkey-lovin’ idea how to fly it!”

The Captain paused, cocking his head to the right slightly. “Certainly qualifies as a problem…Is Rhesus 2 on board with you?”

“Nope, he’s still in the hangar bay,” replied Spydor. “And probably not in too good of a mood…”

“Well, try to figure out some way to at least stop it.”

Spydor pressed a blue button on the instrument panel before him, even as he closed his eyes in fear. A moment passed, and he cracked open one eye to see that the Psy-Fighter had stopped only a mile from the Primate Avenger’s open hatch, and was maintaining its position.

“So, that’s what the blue one does.” Spydor reactivated his pitcomm. “Cap, I think I hit some sort of monkey-flippin’ cruise control. I’m not moving anymore.”

“Good work,” the Captain responded. “Right now, you’re in a good position to start looking for the tunduhborium. Rhesus isn’t going to go anywhere fast…”

Dr. Splitz returned to the bridge from Spydor’s room carrying various items, including many gears, belts, and, of all things, a stationary bicycle. He herded them all to float beside the converter.

“Let us begin construction, monkey wrench. Time is of the essence,” Doctor Splitz said confidently.

“Let’s have at it, Doc!” Splitzy responded, picking up a gear with many fine teeth.

Gor just looked on as the orangutan began the installation of the new components to the converter.

Spydor retrieved his bananatron yet again, and left the bridge. The bananatron emitted some occasional beeps and warbles, but nothing to indicate it had found the tunduhborium he sought.

“Colder still,” Spydor proclaimed in disappointment. “Where in the monkey-flippin’ heck is this stuff anyway?”

Before Spydor could continue his search any further, he heard the bananatron warble weakly and then go silent. He looked at the Doc’s device, now inoperative, and glared at the bananatron in frustration.

“Yo, Doc!” Spydor transmitted quickly. “You there?”

“Yes, Spydor?” Dr. Splitz returned in a distracted voice. “Can your inquiry wait? Splitzy and I are deeply involved in a redesign effort on the converter at this time…”

“Well, your converter ain’t gonna do jack, Doc, unless I can find that tunduhborium stuff. Which I can’t do right now, ‘cause the monkey-flippin’ piece of junk bananatron just went kaput!” Spydor said angrily.

“That is why I told you not to leave it away from the recharging unit for so long, Splitzy,” Dr. Splitz commented. He thought a moment in silence. “Spydor, your first task will be discerning the whereabouts of the containment capsule.”

“What’d he say?” Spydor remarked in confusion. “Somebody wanna clue me in here?”

“Nothin’ to it!” Splitzy replied quickly. “The Doc wants ya to find some li’l, shiny, metal, cylinder-like thing-a-ma-jig.”

“How succinct,” commented Dr. Splitz wryly.

He continued. “This device we require is an integral component of Rhesus 2’s weapons array. If I correctly recall the schematics of the Psy-Fighter with any accuracy, the weapons control nexus should prove to be adjacent to the main command center, albeit one deck below.”

“He means ya gotta head down, and maybe a teensy bit to the right,” Splitzy translated.

“Got it,” Spydor responded, cutting off the transmission before he proceeded.

He leaped to a lower level and walked down a corridor that led beneath the main control console.

“Okay, Doc,” radioed Spydor. “I’m just below the metal-headed mook’s bridge. There’s two doors to my left, and two doors to my right. Which monkey-flippin’ way do I go now?”

Pausing a moment to finish his latest adjustment, Dr. Splitz affixed his screwdriver to its place on his tool belt. “Well done, Spydor,” he congratulated his crewmate. “Intuitively speaking, I believe that one of the two compartments you have spied along the starboard bulkhead should have the containment capsule located within.”

“Why didn’t ya just tell him to check the doors on the right?” Splitzy pointed out.

“I believe I just did,” Dr. Splitzy responded indignantly.

“Hey, you two, argue later,” Spydor transmitted, hoping to break off yet another argument between the orangutan’s personalities. “It’s time to find out what’s behind Door Number One…”

Spydor made his way to stand before the first door on the right side of the corridor. He jumped up to press the access panel, then hid quickly beside the door, as he watched the panel whisk open. He ducked his head in quick to take a look. Seeing that there was no one inside, Spydor quickly entered the room and leapt atop the nearest computer console.

“All right, Doc,” Spydor radioed. “I’m in. Just what am I lookin’ for again?”

“A boron containment capsule,” Dr. Splitz answered in textbook fashion. “The receptacle of which I speak should be vaguely cylindrical in shape, and just over a decimeter in length. The boron shell sheathing the capsule should prove quite prismatic in appearance, refracting most visible wavelengths of light…”

“Yer lookin’ for a bright, shiny tube about a few inches long, Spydor,” translated Splitzy helpfully.

Dr. Splitz sighed.

“Okay, keep yer pants on. I’m lookin’, I’m lookin’…” Spydor responded. The nimble spider monkey jumped from one cabinet to the next, looking earnestly for the object Splitzy described. He noticed a semi-circular shaped machine along the front of the room. A large, thick tube ran about a foot to the wall, and clearly protruded through to the next room.

“Hey, I wonder what in the monkey-lovin’ heck this thing does?” Spydor moved closer to inspect it. “Knowing that tin-cup headed freak, this thing is probably some kinda monkey-lovin’ weapon…”

He noticed two buttons on the rear panel of the device. One was green and the other red. The red button glowed vibrantly. “Wonder what happens if I press the green button…” Despite his fear, curiosity got the better of Spydor. He reached out and pressed the green button. An alarm sounded, which caused Spydor to shriek and leap away in horror.

“That’s it! Now I’ve done it! I’m dead meat!” Spydor wailed, as he ducked quickly behind a cabinet.

He then noticed a round door on the rear panel turn counter-clockwise, and then the cylinder attached to the door motored slowly out. In a complex cradle of dull metal sat a tiny, iridescent tapered cylinder. Its surface glittered brilliantly in the light of the room.

“Ca-shunga!” Spydor exclaimed eagerly. “Yo, Doc! I think I found it!”

Spydor quickly activated a beamitron, safely storing away his precious find.

“A superlative effort, Spydor!” Dr. Splitz responded. There was no answer, which puzzled him.

Spydor turned around to see a Ganglia drone lumbering into the room, its armored head turning to look this way and that.

“Spydor?” the orangutan radioed.

“Hang on, Doc,” Spydor whispered softly. “I got company…”

Spydor started backing away from the war robot. He would have tried to hunt through his beamitrons to find his stunner, but just didn’t have the time. He activated a hasty beamitron, and flung the first thing to materialize before him at the robot. The book that the Captain had found earlier sailed through the air to clang dully against the Ganglia’s cranial turret. While not much of a weapon, it did allow Spydor to distract the machine and make his get-away. He loped his way to the bridge with remarkable speed.

“Okay,” Spydor said, panting. He then plopped down in the pilot’s chair. “Time to fly this baby back home…”

He stretched to reach the control levers on the floor, and gradually piloted the Psy-Fighter back towards the waiting Avenger.

“Hey, piloting this hunk-a-junk ain’t that hard,” Spydor remarked, leaning his elbows on the master console, hitting some small switches. “I think I’m getting the monkey-lovin’ hang a dis…”

Two brains zipped out of the console and collided just above Spydor’s head. The two tangled organs thumped dazed at his feet.

“Teach me to keep my big mouth shut,” commented Spydor, beginning to worry again. He then saw the Ganglia robot appear on a lower level and to his right, making its way ominously his way.

Spydor jammed the throttles open, grasped the controls with his feet, and sped the Psy-Fighter towards the Avenger’s beckoning hangar bay, landing it perfectly. He then leaped down towards the exit and pressed a button near the hatch, opening it.

“Hey, how ‘bout that? Not bad for my first try,” Spydor remarked confidently.

He activated his beamitron, and retrieved the precious tunduhborium capsule. He would need it when he finally made his way to the bridge.

Spydor hurried out of the Psy-Fighter with the tunduhborium capsule in his tail, only to meet Rhesus 2 face to face. Rhesus aimed his Brain Blaster at Spydor.

“So…the thief returns to the scene of the crime,” Rhesus 2 muttered in satisfaction.

“You got that right, you egg-cup headed mook! And I ain’t no thief, neither! Here’s your nasty, purple piece of monkey-flippin’ junk…it’s all yours!” responded Spydor, eyeing the menacing form of Rhesus 2.

Rhesus 2 glared dangerously at the irritating monkey. He then noticed the object the small fleshipod held tightly in its long tail.

“I see. In addition to stealing my ship,” Rhesus 2 growled, “you decided to help yourself to my supply of tunduhborium…I suppose you were going to take it and fuel one of your pathetic weapons with it…”

“I ain’t sayin’ nothin’! Especially to you, you no-good, flea-bitten, metal-headed mook!” Spydor declared. Rhesus 2 glared menacingly at Spydor. He grimaced, and added quickly, “…and I don’t mean that in a bad way…”

“Enough! If you think I’m letting you puny monkeys make off with any of my tunduhborium, you are out of your little monkey minds! Now, give that capsule to me at once, or I’ll—”

The Orbitron quickly floated between the two. “This Orbitron will self-destruct in five seconds!” it shouted. Spydor took the opportunity to shove the Orbitron into Rhesus 2, knocking him backwards. Spydor then shot himself to the tunnel near the ceiling and headed for the bridge.

With Spydor gone, Rhesus 2 began firing at the Orbitron. It didn’t prove to be an easy target, however. Rhesus repeatedly failed to hit it.

The noise of the Brain Blaster echoed into the next room where the Captain and Shao Lin could hear them. “Spydor must be back,” Simian concluded. “Time to open the door and give him some help.”

Shao Lin easily maneuvered to the control lever and cranked the door open. The two entered the hangar bay.

Rhesus 2 heard the opening of the door and turned around. “I know you’re there, Simian!” Rhesus shouted in accusation. He drew his other Brain Blaster from its holster. “I’d advise you to come along quietly. In the mood I’m in, you don’t want to make me find you!”

“Perhaps it would be wise to withdraw, Captain,” Shao Lin suggested, as Rhesus 2 began to randomly fire his powerful energy weapons about the hangar bay.

“You’re probably right, Shao Lin,” Simian replied, dodging yet another energy dart. “But we have to give Spydor time to get the tunduhborium to the bridge. Wonder what’s taking him so long, anyway?” Simian pondered, waiting for Spydor to exit from the Psy-Fighter.

Spydor leaped through the hatch, and up from the jungle. The spider monkey arched his way upward to Dr. Splitz and Splitzy’s console. Spydor then grabbed the tunduhborium capsule and threw it to Dr. Splitz, who fielded it handily.

“Thank you kindly, Spydor,” said Dr. Splitz, giving Spydor a nod. He affixed the tunduhborium container into the only open socket on the converter. He then settled himself upon the seat of the stationary bicycle.

“Huh?” Spydor asked, puzzled. “What’s the bike for, if I may ask?”

“We need to produce the electric power necessary to power the converter,” answered Dr. Splitz. “You may begin pedaling, Splitzy.”

“No way, Sonny Jim! I’m tired of doing all the work here!” Splitzy replied stubbornly.

Dr. Splitz sighed and began pedaling the bicycle.

The Captain and Shao Lin advanced quickly along the ceiling, still dodging Rhesus 2’s attacks.

“I’m not sure how longer we can keep this up,” Captain Simian remarked as he vaulted to yet another cable in the hangar bay’s ceiling. “I think it’s time to go with Plan B…”

“And Plan B would be…what, Captain?” Shao Lin inquired, diving and twisting to another perch among the cables.

Spydor’s voice crackled over the Captain’s pitcomm. “Okay, Cap! I got that capsule thing to Splitzy and he’s…well, Dr. Splitz is trying to start it up. What do we do now?”

Simian’s eyes widened. Spydor was already aboard ship? He unfortunately had no time to wonder about the turn of events. He turned to Shao Lin, and ordered, “Flip out!” Simian and Shao Lin launched themselves toward the far end of the hangar…and the doorway out.

“What did he say?” Gor asked Spydor.

“Sounded like he said to flip out,” Spydor replied cautiously, scratching his head.

Gor leapt down into the jungle, much to Spydor’s surprise.

“Gor! Gor! I don’t think he meant you!” Spydor yelled out. He grabbed up Gor’s flashlight and followed the gorilla into the jungle on the bridge.

Splitzy became impatient with Dr. Splitz’s slow pedaling. “Aw, heck, Doc. Ya can’t bike for nothing!” The orangutan complained. “Lemme do it…”

Dr. Splitz rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“You’re both certainly agile,” Rhesus 2 complimented his foes, as he waited for his weapons to switch brains. “But it will do you little good, I’m afraid! I’m of a mind to exterminate you both!” Rhesus 2’s maniacal laughter echoed in the hangar bay.

Both the Captain and Shao Lin crisscrossed the hangar bay ceiling, threading their way towards the open door.

Rhesus 2 caught a movement in his peripheral optical sensors, and looked up. He saw what could only be his nemesis, Simian, and his annoying female second-in-command whisk over his head and through the door to the lower decks. Shao Lin then lashed out with her Insta-Vine, grabbing the door’s release lever and shutting it with a loud thump.

“Run, Captain Zippy! I shall enjoy the thrill of the hunt!” Rhesus 2 taunted his opponents. “However, I don’t expect this hunt will take very long…” He slowly turned about and propelled himself towards the Psy-Fighter.

“Oh-h-I, oh-h-I, oh-h-h-h-I…” the Orbitron continued singing.

Rhesus 2 sat down at his command seat aboard the Psy-Fighter, shut the main hatch, and blasted off into space. He noticed a warning light flashing on his console, and pressed a button to turn it off, which reactivated the Ganglia that were inside the lower deck of the Avenger.

At that moment, the power generator whined to life, causing the lights on the bridge to flicker. As the lights came on and gravity was re-established, Simian crashed to the floor on his back. Shao Lin, however, landed noiselessly on her feet. Simian grunted, gave Shao Lin a frustrated look, and rose to his feet.

They then both saw the three heavily-armed Ganglia advancing malevolently towards them.

“Weapons on stun!” the Captain shouted. He reached down to draw his stunner, then realized that it must have fallen out of its holster during their escape from Rhesus 2. “That is, if you still have your weapon,” he growled in irritation.

“We do not need weapons, Captain,” Shao Lin responded confidently. She prepared to leap at the Ganglia with a kick, when she spotted Gor running across the opposite wall of the room, Spydor entering behind him.

The robots sensed the entrance of Spydor, and turned to take aim at him.

Spydor screeched as the Ganglia began firing at him. “Whoa! Hey, you homely metal mooks! I ain’t a dart board!” he yelled, leaping madly out of the way.

Gor halted and turned around as his eyes became red. “You will not use Spydor as a dart board!” he shouted angrily at the advancing Ganglia.

The now enraged gorilla ignored the ineffective blasts of the Ganglia, and closed in with them. He stretched out his massive arms and collected all three in his embrace. Roaring with anger, Gor constricted his arms convulsively, crushing the three war robots. The remnants of the Ganglia warriors clattered noisily to the deck.

Gor roared once more over his fallen foes, and then stopped, a puzzled look coming over his face. His eyes reverted to their normal appearance, and he looked down at the wreckage of his opponents as if it were the first time he’d seen it.

“Uh…what happened?” The confused gorilla asked.

Spydor bounded over to climb on Gor’s shoulder. “You were great, Gor my man! You sure showed them mooks a thing or two!” Spydor began in an excited voice.

“Good work, Gor,” the Captain said, congratulating his gorilla helmsman. “But why were you this far back in the ship in the first place?”

“I was following your orders, Captain,” Gor responded proudly.

The Captain gave that some thought. “Hmm…I certainly don’t remember ordering you off the bridge, Gor…”

“Yo, Cap!” Spydor interrupted. “Now that Brain Boy’s got his ship back, what’s to stop the mook from just blowing us to smithereens?”

“Check, it’s crunch time. Okay, crew, we’ve got a new plan! Primate stations!” he announced to Shao Lin, Gor, and Spydor, and over his pitcomm to Splitzy and Dr. Splitz.

Gor leaped down the lower corridor to his station, while the Captain, Shao Lin, and Spydor raced up towards the bridge. Spydor activated his beamitron to release the bananatron. Dr. Splitz’s foot grabbed the device neatly as he hurtled along the ceiling rail towards his station.

Simian leapt into his seat, quickly donning his red helmet. He raised his left arm, and spoke into his pitcomm. “Prepare to peel-off on my mark!” He instructed the others. “Report Go/No Go… Primate One, go!”

Shao Lin settled herself into her seat, activating her systems. She heard the Captain’s instructions. “Primate Two… Go!” she declared, with a quick thumbs-up.

Spydor sat waiting, all indicators a friendly green. As soon as he heard Shao Lin check in, he added, “Primate Three…” Spydor quickly threaded his tail through his partially open fist, and used its tip to represent his ‘thumb.’ “Go!”

Gor sat patiently, waiting for Spydor’s reply as the Orbitron entered behind him. He knew he reported in just after Spydor. “Primate…” He hesitated, unsure of his designation for a moment.

“Four,” the Orbitron whispered.

“Primate Four, go!” said Gor.

Dr. Splitz and Splitzy activated their systems, and waited until Gor gave his response to the Captain. The orangutan studied the systems as they initialized and reported ready. “Primate Five…” the Doc began. Splitzy then gave the Captain an enthusiastic thumbs-up. “And Six…Go!”

Simian nodded in approval. “Peel off!” He felt the lurches as his crewmates detached their individual Primate units from the Primate Avenger. This effectively created five ships where there was only one before.

The five Primate units spread out in a fan-like formation. Rhesus 2 followed, activating his afterburners, greatly increasing his speed.

Simian watched the purple Psy-Fighter grow larger and larger on his view screen, as it approached rapidly from behind. “Attention, all Primate Units, execute maneuver Tangerine-Lemur-Mamba-4!” he spoke into the microphone on his console.

Gor paused and thought. “Captain,” he replied back through the intercom, “I thought that maneuver is only used when the ship is together…”

“No, Gor,” the Captain replied. “That would be…wait a minute, that is Tangerine-Lemur-Mamba-4. I meant Nectarine-Lemur-Mamba-4,” Simian said, slightly embarrassed.

“How does that one go again?” Spydor asked to the others, clearly confused.

“I don’t recall how to do the Lemur Mamba, either,” the Orbitron added.

Gor recited the maneuver. “The formation first reverses course. Then Units one and four fly overhead as units two, three, and five/six fire stun beams. Then one and four loop back underneath and also fire.”

“Yeah, that’s how it goes, Spydor,” Simian announced, amazed at Gor’s knowledge.

“Stun beams independently configured, Captain,” Shao Lin reported.

Rhesus 2 leapt down to the lower level of the Psy-Fighter and made his way to his newly-created weapon. He put his brain in a dish on top of it, and aimed it at Splitzy and Dr. Splitz’s unit. Grinning, he pressed a square red button to fire it.

A loud buzz sounded and Rhesus turned to the display, which read “Component inactive.”

The tunduhborium, Rhesus thought. That runt of Simian’s took it.

“Bad brain! Very bad brain!” he shouted, taking How to Become Rich in Just Six Weeks from the floor and swatting at the brain on top of the weapon.

The brain crashed onto the floor, along with the top portion of the now-useless weapon.

When Rhesus looked back at the weapon, he was surprised to see sparks as the interior of it began to ignite.

At that moment, the stun beams of Shao Lin, Spydor, and Splitzy hit the Psy-Fighter and sent it reeling backwards. Rhesus, unable to control his ship’s tumble, was thrown to the ground.

By the time Rhesus had regained his footing, the Avenger was nowhere in sight.

He turned back to the book he held in his hand. “Bad book!” he yelled angrily, taking his Brain Blaster and firing at the book.

A few hours later, Simian brought a shallow dish to the table where the crew was waiting.

“Dinner is served,” the Captain announced proudly.

“Oy, not again… What did you call this one?” Spydor remarked uneasily.

Simian answered, “This is baked eltrah casserole.”

Spydor stood on his chair to see what it looked like. “Hey, that don’t look bad,” he said. He reached out to taste a bit with his finger. His eyebrows perked up, as he swirled his finger in his mouth. “Tastes pretty good, too,” he said in surprise. He regarded the Captain curiously. “Hey, Cap, where’d you get the idea for this?”

“Oh, you know, it’s just another original creation…” the Captain replied.

Shao Lin cocked an eyebrow, crossed her arms before her chest, and gave the Captain a frosty look.

“Of Shao Lin’s,” Simian added reluctantly.

“All right! Real food, at last!” crowed Spydor, until he noticed the Captain’s glare. Spydor lost his composure a moment, and responded, “Uh…I mean, not that what you came up with was bad, mind you, but…”

The Orbitron floated over. “It seems that your guest has not shown…may I join in his place?” The glowing ball joyfully set itself down on the table, not waiting for an answer. It then paused, thinking. “Wait a minute…just how am I supposed to eat? Hmmph! No wonder no one dines with monkeys anymore…”

“You can put a monkey in the kitchen, but you can’t make him cook…”
–Will Rhesus

“Ape-ollo 13” is ©1999 SpotSM. It may not be used for profit, the text may not be altered, and the story may not be fed to wild animals. No infringement is intended with the show’s characters, vehicles, and clichés, the lyrics of “I Love the Nightlife” and “Turn, Turn, Turn,” or the line from “Mission: Impossible.” Kcasserbium and tunduhborium may be hazardous to your health. Any resemblance to real primates, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Please remain seated until the fanfic has come to a complete stop. Read only in a well-ventilated area. Dolphin safe. Batteries not included, some user assembly required, void where prohibited. Have a nice day.